Thursday, December 30, 2004

Good morning...

Not much going on today. Still feeling out of the loop. I made what may have been a poor career choice. I sent my boss and email about policy changes occuring while I was on vacation. The problem is that I think I'm more upset about the loss of control of the situation than the actual event.

As previously stated, being out of control sucks! at least for me it does.....

Now I'm starting to question my own abilities and skills, something I've always had confidence in.

Maybe I"m threatened by the new and energetic ideas of my 2nd in command? Maybe I'm burnt out and jaded by 10 years w/the same company....I have too many responsibilities to leave my job for a new one...I make decent money...have alot of vacation time (which stresses me out to use?)...and I pay the insurance for the whole family. Not to mention the 401k..

A. is a good me he looks 14 years old or less, and I would like to burp him sometimes...or maybe give him a "spit bath" to remove a smudge of dirt on his nose...I see him like one of my kids....that could be a problem as well...I often confuse parenting w/ management and vice versa. I helped chose him for this position. I mistake? I don't think so...but I'm not sure.

My mother always said "this too shall pass". Maybe this is a phase...a rut..who knows....but it is not what I wanted out of this week off with the family.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

12 step program for control freaks?

My name is Laura C and I am a control freak.

They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

I am a control freak...there...I said it...I freely admit it. Does anyone know the 2nd step?

I have a serious need to control my environment. My husband will also attest to this fact, as will my staff. Why am I a control freak? It probably relates back to my pitiful excuse for a first marriage...for months I had those awful dreams of falling...which is your subconscious's way of telling you that you are out of fucking control. Its been many years since I have been rudely awakened time and time again every night by one of these nocturnal eye openers.

I am working on "self-awareness". Why am I feeling out of control? Because someone at work made a decision that I oppose, in my absence. Is it a good decision? Possibly...or it may crash and burn. Deep inside I hope for option 2...the crash and burn..therefore proving my theory correct. ...Therefore making my control better, stronger, effect BIONIC...(I"m dating myself again). Am I a terrible person for secretly hoping this happens, or am I normal?

Vacation...Is it all I ever wanted?

I know I'm dating myself here...but the Go-Go's sang that stupid song about vacation...."Vacations all I ever wanted...vacation happy to get away!" The problem is that I can't get away.

The joy begins....1/2 hour call from my 2nd in command...people are abusing their break times. *deep sigh* All I want to do is paint my living room, do some shopping, maybe find time to stay awake during sex...who know? Instead I am know obsessing about phone stats and call volume again.

I would love to make a career change. One where long strings of numbers are irrelevant. One where people do not yell at me....(internal or external) where i'm not expected to be the bad cop every day.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Christmas: the aftermath

Took down the xmas tree today....Its always a sad job, but due to the fact that i inhereted a ton of my mothers xmas ornaments, it was forced to downsize my collection. (I always say xmas cuz i don't believe in the "big guy").

The poverty years had left me with a large collection of plastic santas and tin garbage ornaments. I kept the miscellaneous clay and yarn creations my daughters had crafted over the year. I also kept my grandmothers blown glass heirlooms, and some of my mothers favorites.

I have the whole week off of work. This is both delightful, and terrifying for the following reasons:
  1. I am still responsible for whatever mishaps occur in the wonderful world of tech support, even if I am not present.
  2. My kids are going to drive me insane...or back to poverty...or both (ex: Mom..can we go to the mall...Mom....will you take me to get my nails done....Mom...lets go to the Chinese buffet for lunch)
  3. My "vacations" normally consist of cleaning, home improvement/decorating, schlepping kids all over town and cooking "real meals".
  4. I am still responsible for whatever mishaps occur in the wonderful world of tech support, even if I am not present. (note: this really scares me, so it counts double.)
  5. At least at work, people listen to me...they don't have a choice..I"m the bitch in charge.
  6. I have more control at work over a team of adult computer geeks than i do over 3 teenage girls.
I know I'm in a rut. KB and I agree on that point...our lives consist of work, cooking, cleaning and schlepping kids. I am an extremely lucky woman. My husband does share in the household chores and the child arguments. I just want to try something new and exciting in 2005. I am beginning my secondary career selling sex toys at home parties. Maybe that will be the little bit of oooomph my life needs?