Thursday, January 13, 2005


As I am between 35 and 40 years of age, I finally went for my baseline mammogram. Now I find myself one month later going back for another because "the doctor didn't like something on the first film". Frankly, I didn't enjoy the first film either. I think I became pissed off when I read the sign explaining that for another nominal fee (not covered by insurance), I could get a comfort pillow, which would lessen the pain by 30%. I'm not sure who gages their pain this way, and I'd like to slap the woman that volunteered to test this process over and over again. I suppose that my true anger was towards the health care system that would charge extra for a pillow..and the insurance company for deciding that breast pain was not their problem. (NOTE: If any health care EVP's ever read this...would you give your balls a pillow if they were being put through a ringer washer? would you cover that "nominal fee")

OK..on to act II...The Breast Care Center is an aesthetically lovely office with Victorian reproduction furniture and piped in classical music. They quickly admit you to the back room that is friendly, but less inviting. Eight other women, ranging in age from late 30's to 70's sit around in their lovely terrycloth robes calmly reading magazines and sipping tea. One woman, in her late forties or so sits tea...just clutching her purse and staring at the floor. I can smell the fear...I can hear her thoughts...praying...bargaining...begging.....I wonder if that will be me?

On to the BOOB-O-Matic....What a viscious machine...and because this one was to clear up concerns from the first one, they compress it even more. While holding my breath and trying not to think about the pain, I decided that it was more painful than taking a softball to the boob, but, thankfully...shorter in duration.

Then came the ultrasound. Blue goo coats my chest, and a little screen captures video images of whats inside....Yes..there is something in there...could be a lymph node or a fatty tumor....OK..go sit back in the waiting room.

Just as you think its over, a faceless radiologist decides that he needs "one more film" back to the Boob-O-Matic go home and we'll call you in a few days...Thats the sucky part....waiting. Patience is a virtue....Bullshit. ...Total utter BULLSHIT.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Intuition 101

I picked up a book I've had for awhile, but have never completely read. Its on building up your own intuition. The first excercise is to pick one of the topics and just free punctuation, no spelling, no grammar necessary..just here goes:

What would I do with my time if i didn't have to work?

My first thought is to to all the wonderful mysterious places i've always wanted to see. egypt....Paris...Scottland...and all the nooks and crannies of America...I could stop in illinois an see the giant ball of string or have my picture taken at every scenic overlook between here and california. what a great trip that would be. bust exp,oring...seeing...feeling. not workrying about itme or money, just the experience ob being there. i never had the lucxury of just being. i have the luxury of a job and the heavy responsibility of a moragage and a car payment and taxes. not to mention insurance and kids...after i was done traveling or when i got homesick, i'd plant the most wonderful garden anyo of the snooty neighbors has ever seen...i'd make my mom proud with roses and violets and lillies...mayb ea pond with goldfish and a fountain, and it would be peaceful and quiet and beautiful...i could read and relax in the sunshine, but still feel the cool green of the plants. i can amost feel it now, and hear the water and smell the lilacs....i need peace more than i need anything else..more than air, more than water, more than anything....i need inner peace with myself, and peace with my daughter, who hates me right now. i need to feel safe in her future.....

I wrote that blindfolded. Forgive the typos.

In re reading what I wrote, I know why it came out. Today my beautiful 16 year old daughter decided it was a good time to drop out of school....

Maybe the book isn't a bunch of crap, and I need to explore these ideas further?

Saturday, January 08, 2005

And the saga continues...

Second in command quits! Due to his visa to be in the country..he has to go back to school, or his country of origin. A temporary a gnat, i the upheaval will begin to move another person to a place of authority....then that person will let their "power" go to their heads....

First toy party today. The weather has cleared a little, so hopefully I get a decent turn out.

Friday, January 07, 2005

My Mother was right

My mom passed away about 2 years home...surrounded by friends and family...just the way she wanted it. I have come to realize that her pearls of wisdom are just that...not the nonsense I once believed they were.

Some examples: "This, too, shall pass" (This one is for ruts and the occassional depression_ "You're just backing up a little to take a running start"(this one is to be used in life altering situations, like firings, divorces, break ups, etc...) "A ships worth isn't measured by how well she sails in calm waters, but by how well she fairs in the wildest storms" (meaning that anyone can get through the easy times w/aplomb, but how you handle the worst and hardest of times is how you should measure your self worth"

In recent weeks, all three of these sayings have been in the forefront of my mind. They're all very true...It passed....I backed up a little...and I faired well in the rough storm. Thanks mom...I really miss you! I know you were with me, whispering those words in my ear.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005


My mother was right...give a moron enough rope and he'll hang himself...

Mr Young and Cocky know-it-all may have possibly hung himself today! OK..I am a little overly jubilant. His attitude is out of control. He actually told our boss that he is "not setting a good example by taking too many smoke breaks". Knowing my boss, thats a semi-suicidal move. He could take it as a joke, or he could take it personally.

Either way....not necessisarily a good idea.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Does anyone ever read these things?

Just wondering....

My first day back to work after vacation. GOD...I'm bitchy. The kid cracked the whip over everyone's head every second of every day....of course other places, such as customer service was lacking, however the all important statistics were excellent.....My bitch was the insubordination. Is my boss says nothing that he has free reign to do what he wants...and I am, in effect, neutered. Luckily the little shit has to go to school or back to his country soon.

I know deep in my soul, that I'm angry that he showed me up. I'm also angry that he ignored my directive...and I'm angry that I"m not the "best". My ego is bruised....and my reputation.

Maybe I need a "life coach"...someone to give me silly assignments that demonstrate how silly I am sometimes. Maybe I need a new job. Maybe I'm burnt out. Time to rearrange the priorities...profit over people and all that jazz.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

New Years Eve takes too much energy

Happy New Year, World!

KB and I were not into the party scene this year. We took the kids to see Meet the Fockers, and for Chinese. KB had a migraine, so we were home at 8:30, medicated at 8:35 and sleeping soundly by 8:37. I, on the other hand, stayed away for awhile, contemplating the good, the bad, and the ugly of 2004. While meditating...I intermittantly turned into THE GLUTTON BOWL on the Fox Sports Network. Until that moment, I had not realized that competitive eating was a SPORT???!!! What an epiphany for the new year....Anything can be a sport if there is a commentator and a screaming crowd. These seemingly normal folks were sucking down a variety of repulsive foods, such as sticks of butter and whole beef tongues.

I thought about all the other pathetic, lethargic individuals watching this same show on new years eve. I envision some actually cheering for the guy that at 39 hard boiled eggs...It was a relief to know that someone out there was more pathetic than me!